Wedding Uggs Have You Heard

      Oh God, No: Wedding Uggs

The myth of the 2012 Apocalypse may have been debunked, but now that Wedding Uggs exist, does it even matter to go on? The world may as well be over.

Can I call a pair of shoes a miscarriage? An abortion? How about an ectopic pregnancy? An ovarian cyst? This is everything bad, painful, or inconvenient that can happen in or around a woman's uterus, but in shoe form. Ironic for footwear that sort of resembles a tampon if you squint and tilt your head just so.

According to the Huffington Post, Ugg's I Do! collection gives ex wives-to-be three options for relaxed yet idiotic footwear for their Big Day. The Sparkles I Do! ($225) are your classic Ugg boots, covered in sparkles that look kind of like iridescent white bugs perched very close together. The Bailey I Do! ($190) is the sort of boot that a 5 year old deep in her princess phase would design for herself and subsequently insist on wearing at all times, even to bed. And the Fluff Flip Flop I Do! gives brides the opportunity to embed their nuptial toejam in a white faux fur thong.

Forget gays, or the Pill, or the Kardashians — these shoes are the single biggest threat to traditional marriage that currently exists. Period. I will fight a war to end these.